The New Age Grandparent

When I was a young mother, my mother was my resource for information on raising my children. The values that she taught me were important. However, much of the information that she taught me has lost its value in the New Age that we now live.

Divorce was fairly uncommon at the time. Two parent families were still the norm. The biggest problem we had in dealing with our grandparents was negotiating whose house we would go to for the various holidays without hurting anyone's feelings.

Today, the two-parent family is slowly becoming less and less significant. The average marriage is now 8.2 years, compared to 13.4 years in 1970. In two parent households, it is considered the norm that co-parenting is the rule and not the exception. While my children's father probably changed a diaper once in his lifetime, fathers today are expected to help with the majority of tasks involving the household. And, in the single-parent household, there is a growing agreement to shared custody. When I was a young mother, the very idea that a Father would have equal rights when it came to divorce and custody usually indicated a woman with a "shady reputation".

Reality has changed.

Women are opting to have children without being in a marriage or a committed relationship. Single men are choosing to adopt children.

We, the parents of today's parents have to readjust our attitudes toward the evolving family unit. Where do we fit in? What is our role? Are our values valid in today's family?

Big questions with important impact face us as we evolve into new roles of grandparenting.

The most important question is how do we create and maintain a trust-filled, loving relationship with our grandchildren's parents? -- Not only with our child but also with our child's ex-spouse. How do we negotiate through the anger and hurt of divorce and maintain focus in order to help our grandchildren have a better life?

This is a big order, one that requires some new skills on the part of grandparents. These skills include:

1. Not taking sides. While we might want to rage and rant and try to protect our child when he or she is hurting because of divorce, unless there is evidence of spousal abuse, our grandchildren will be hurt if we show animosity toward either parent.

2. Listening to all sides. Now, while it is important not to take sides, it is also important to take on the role of sounding board and listening with an open mind and heart to the issues that our child and spouse (or ex-spouse) are facing. To listen without judgment or the need to solve the problem empowers you as a trustworthy friend and grandparent.

3. Trusting our children to make good decisions. Trust is a two-way street. Most children are not going to be harmed by a few parenting mistakes (We certainly made our share.) so trust your children to make good decisions and don't offer advice unless it is asked for and give specific advice but always add that the decision as to how to handle the problem ultimately lies with the parents and not the grandparent.

4. Define your role in the family dynamic. It is important to know what your role is as a grandparent and to set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not do as a grandparent. You do not have to be a free baby sitter available on call. You do not have to be an interest free bank for emergency loans. You do not have to have all the answers to life's questions. You do not have to take sides with one parent or the other but it might be nice to choose to place your grandchildren first in all discussions about parenting and grandparenting.

5. Be a good example. Unconditional love is the greatest gift that we can give our children and our grandchildren. Everyone needs to know that someone in this world loves him or her without reservation. That is the ultimate role of a grandparent. However, don't get caught in the trap that unconditional love and accepting negative behavior are the same thing.

6. Be a spiritual force. Work daily to develop your spiritual side. As you come to a deeper understanding of your connection with the divine, and it does not matter which religion is your choice, you will become a greater example of the ultimate goal in life which is to live in contentment and harmony with others and with the world.

Trust will result as we choose to manifest the above behaviors. Our children and our children's children will be blessed by having us in their lives. We will be blessed by maintaining a sense of family and connection.

The New Age Grandparent can help to solve many of today's problems through direct self-improvement and growth emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.