The Long Goodbye that Comes to Soon

As an end-of-life caregiver you are playing a waiting game. You are waiting on death but you also fear its arrival. It may seem that the days and hours seem to just go on and on and there is no end in sight for your suffering or for the suffering of your beloved charge.


As we live our lives and finally come to the stage where we are placed into the role of caregiver by circumstances that are normal, we feel like our lives have moved to quickly. Where is the mother or father that you used to turn to for comfort and advice? They are gone and before you is a bed ridden old person that sometimes may appear to be totally out of his or her mind because of diminished capacity or illness. Sometimes it makes you wonder why humans choose to love when leaving can bring such pain.


Death wounds those who survive the passing of a loved one. A hole is created in the heart that not even the passing of time will take away. How do we fill the hole so that our wounds do not consume our attention night and day?


They, and I don’t know who they are, say that time heals all wounds. When one is in a state of grief either before, after or during the dying process, this does not seem like a possibility. We all have individual ways to handle this process that is unique to us alone. Oh, we all have some similarities and that is why support groups work because we talk to people who have been there and done that. But support groups are only a way to be able to make it through the days and weeks and maybe years of healing. We will still be scarred by the loss that death brings to our psyche.


Anniversaries will come along and cause us to re-feel our loss .A movie that we once watched together with our loved one will come on TV.A smell will remind us of our Mother’s kitchen. Always reminders are there and at first they will be reminders of the pain.


We can change our reaction to these reminders by stopping ourselves and reframing our thinking. We can control what we think if we make the effort. When a tear comes to your eye remember a smile and the warm love of the past. Do not focus on what you have lost but instead focus upon what good that you did have.


Let a picture bring a smile to your heart. Let the times of suffering fade into the back of your mind and the memories of joy, fun, pleasure and just living life move in and take up the front of your mind when you remember a beloved who has passed over.


Until you heal from the wound in your heart, take a few moments every day to write in your journal a thank you note to your parent for some special thing that they did for you while you were growing up. And, then, take a moment to write a note or make a phone call to some one that you love who is still in your life to thank them for something special they have done for you now.


The past and the present can walk in harmony. It is up to you to write your own memory songs and sing them like a gentle lullaby to your inner child that will always miss a parent who has gone away.


Today, won’t you share with us a beautiful memory of the love and the wonder that made you who you are because of a special parent’s gift to you? You were the miracle of your mother and father – share it with the world in kindness to self and others. Define you with a state of grace and love.