Ruthie's Dolly

It was a cold January morning and little Ruthie hated to climb out from under the warm quilts made so carefully by her mother. Ruthie slept in a bed in a little room in the family home on Flat Top Mountain West Virginia. The warmth she recieved from her grandmother was more soothing then the colorful patchwork that her mother had painstakingly made from scraps of material from old clothes. Often the clothes were made from bleached flour sacks from the little country store.

Breakfast would soon be ready and on a cold morning like this the thought of hot biscuits with home churned butter and honey from that old oak tree that her dad had harvested. She quickly popped out of her bed and jumped when her little bare feet hit the cold wooden boards in the room that had no heat. Quickly she dressed and ran to the little breeze way between Granny's room and the kitchen. A pail sat on a hand made wooden table her father had hewn from a fallen tree. She broke the ice on the water in the pail and splashed the icy water on her face to clear her eyes. She ran quickly to the kitchen door and slammed to door behind as she entered.

Her mother, Avis, gave her a sharp look and Ruthie grinned in that special way she had that would last all her almost hundred years and said: "I'm sorry Mommy."

She quickly went around during her chores to help Avis with preparing the morning fare. Even at four, she was expected to help anyway that she could. She wanted to play with her dolly that she had received at Christmas. She had never had a real china dolly before and it was so beautiful and with a hand painted face like an angel with a special smile. But that would have to wait as there was kindling to bring in, dishes to set on the table, and, of course, she had to get the butter from the window box that kept things cold along with the pitcher of milk that Dad had already milked from Old Blue before she even thought of waking from her dreams.

It was going to be a special day. Avis's sister was coming to visit and there would be cousins to play with and special cornbread and green beans for dinner. About mid-morning the house was filled the laughing of cousins running and teasing each other. Then trajedy.

As Ruthie and her cousin Gracy were playing with this wonderful and precious new china dolly, counsin Rufus grabbed the doll and as Ruthie ran after him, he threw it across the room to his brother Tom. Tom missed. The dolly crashed into the wall and was shattered into what seemed like a thousand pieces.

Ruthie broke into tears. She cried every night cuddled up to Granny for weeks.

Two weeks before she died my Mom, now called Miss Ruth, the former little Ruthie, told me of this morning. She never had another beautiful doll until she was about eighty when my sister Glenna bought her a china doll. Every year on Christmas from that year on, we would buy Mommy a doll. My favorite now sits in my office. It is a Granny dolly that sits in a rocking chair that is automated and it plays Christmas music. But none of these dollies would ever take away the sadness that little Ruthie felt on that cold January morning when her dollie was lost.

If you would like to see more about My Mom go to http://lifewithmother.com for my story about love, death, and rebirth.

Myriam

The New Age Grandparent

When I was a young mother, my mother was my resource for information on raising my children. The values that she taught me were important. However, much of the information that she taught me has lost its value in the New Age that we now live.

Divorce was fairly uncommon at the time. Two parent families were still the norm. The biggest problem we had in dealing with our grandparents was negotiating whose house we would go to for the various holidays without hurting anyone's feelings.

Today, the two-parent family is slowly becoming less and less significant. The average marriage is now 8.2 years, compared to 13.4 years in 1970. In two parent households, it is considered the norm that co-parenting is the rule and not the exception. While my children's father probably changed a diaper once in his lifetime, fathers today are expected to help with the majority of tasks involving the household. And, in the single-parent household, there is a growing agreement to shared custody. When I was a young mother, the very idea that a Father would have equal rights when it came to divorce and custody usually indicated a woman with a "shady reputation".

Reality has changed.

Women are opting to have children without being in a marriage or a committed relationship. Single men are choosing to adopt children.

We, the parents of today's parents have to readjust our attitudes toward the evolving family unit. Where do we fit in? What is our role? Are our values valid in today's family?

Big questions with important impact face us as we evolve into new roles of grandparenting.

The most important question is how do we create and maintain a trust-filled, loving relationship with our grandchildren's parents? -- Not only with our child but also with our child's ex-spouse. How do we negotiate through the anger and hurt of divorce and maintain focus in order to help our grandchildren have a better life?

This is a big order, one that requires some new skills on the part of grandparents. These skills include:

1. Not taking sides. While we might want to rage and rant and try to protect our child when he or she is hurting because of divorce, unless there is evidence of spousal abuse, our grandchildren will be hurt if we show animosity toward either parent.

2. Listening to all sides. Now, while it is important not to take sides, it is also important to take on the role of sounding board and listening with an open mind and heart to the issues that our child and spouse (or ex-spouse) are facing. To listen without judgment or the need to solve the problem empowers you as a trustworthy friend and grandparent.

3. Trusting our children to make good decisions. Trust is a two-way street. Most children are not going to be harmed by a few parenting mistakes (We certainly made our share.) so trust your children to make good decisions and don't offer advice unless it is asked for and give specific advice but always add that the decision as to how to handle the problem ultimately lies with the parents and not the grandparent.

4. Define your role in the family dynamic. It is important to know what your role is as a grandparent and to set your own boundaries as to what you will and will not do as a grandparent. You do not have to be a free baby sitter available on call. You do not have to be an interest free bank for emergency loans. You do not have to have all the answers to life's questions. You do not have to take sides with one parent or the other but it might be nice to choose to place your grandchildren first in all discussions about parenting and grandparenting.

5. Be a good example. Unconditional love is the greatest gift that we can give our children and our grandchildren. Everyone needs to know that someone in this world loves him or her without reservation. That is the ultimate role of a grandparent. However, don't get caught in the trap that unconditional love and accepting negative behavior are the same thing.

6. Be a spiritual force. Work daily to develop your spiritual side. As you come to a deeper understanding of your connection with the divine, and it does not matter which religion is your choice, you will become a greater example of the ultimate goal in life which is to live in contentment and harmony with others and with the world.

Trust will result as we choose to manifest the above behaviors. Our children and our children's children will be blessed by having us in their lives. We will be blessed by maintaining a sense of family and connection.

The New Age Grandparent can help to solve many of today's problems through direct self-improvement and growth emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

Gingerbread House

The Gingerbread House

I don’t know why but there is something inherently sad to me about thinking about gingerbread houses. I don’t know if it is because the look god-awful tacky or I can’t imagine putting that much work into something that should be delicious but gets so dirty that it is basically inedible.

I think maybe it is because that my mother had a gingerbread house that someone had made for her and each year she would get out this box where she preserved her little decorated house with plastic wrap and place it on her TV in a place of pride to celebrate the holiday season. After a few years the icing really was smashed and the gumdrops looked like they had fallen from the sky in an attack of the sugar plum faeries and just went splat. I don’t know what crazy relative made this house for her but Mom saved it.

But Mom saved everything. She would wash off aluminum foil and dry it and use it again. She would wash out zip-lock bags and turn them upside down on a bottle and save them to use again. She would wash out plastic tubs that were filled with everything from butter to cottage cheese to sour cream and carefully clean the lids and let them dry so she would be able to use them again. Clothes that were to worn to wear were cut up and used as dust rags. She had a ball made of rubber bands that she had carefully constructed over the years. She did not buy paper towels but dutifully scrubbed and cleaned with old rags that were bleached to a thinness that made them as soft as a baby’s blanket. My Mom didn’t believe in a disposable world but that gingerbread house definitely should have been tossed in the trash or gone to compost heap. Oh, Mom never threw out food either. It was either reheated to mush, frozen and saved for a hungry day or put on the compost heap.

In many ways I admire the world that my mother was trying to save. A world that did not waste and throw away whether it was a piece of tin foil or a person. Maybe we need to rethink our world of throw away everything from plates where we serve our food or a shoe that has a run down heal that you can’t even find someone to repair.

Mom used to say: A woman can throw out more with a teaspoon than a man can bring in with a shovel. In many ways I think she was so correct, we do not destroy our world, our planet, our finances with the big stuff. We do it as we nickle and dime ourselves into poverty and insecurity.

Well I guess I better go put that soup that was left over from supper in those plastic butter tubs and put them in the freezer. They will be delicious when the winter snows keep me from sending Mark out to the grocery.

You think I should put Mom’s Gingerbread House out on the compost pile?

Life after Death

It seems that one never recovers from the loss of a parent. But does a parent recover from loosing us?

I decided to talk to a psychic medium and discover if Mother was trying to communicate with me.

I was amazed at the results.

I felt so alone when Mother died. It was like she didn't exist anymore. No one can explain a hole in one's heart that comes with death unless one experiences it. While I couldn't feel my mother around me anymore, I wondered if she still felt me.

When I talked to the medium at http://asknow.com I was led to pay more attention to my dreams. It seems that my mother was truly trying to communicate with me.

Now the title of my book makes more sense: Life with Mother: A journey of love, death and rebirth. I was reborn knowing that my mother was watching over me.

If you feel the loss of a loved one, go to http://asknow.com and talk to one of the wonderful people who truly can see dead people. It gives one renewed hope.

A review by Connie Anderson

Self-help


Life With Mother: A Journey of Love, Death and Rebirth

By Myrian Maytorena

PageFree Publishing, Inc.

Reviewed by Connie Anderson


Myriam's mother was almost 100 years old when she brought mother home for her end-of-life journey.




This is an important personal story because:
- The fastest growing segment of our aging population is the old-old (over 85).
- By 2015, there will be more that 350,000 people over age 85 in America.
- More than 7 million Americans over 65 will need some help with their day-to-day lives.
- The average age of the caretaker is 57; the professional caregiver is 42.
- 72% of caregivers to the elderly are women who also have outside jobs and many still have children at home.





When you bring an aging and ailing parent into your home, the rules … and the roles change as do the expectations. The author said, "It's a hard lesson to learn to be a caretaker, and also to take care of yourself." She walks us through ways to take care of ourselves during this new 24/7/365 challenge.




The section on getting the elderly (and usually the dying) to eat was revealing. The author explains that "It had become a power struggle between us and death – that the body shuts down and the need for food diminishes. But that we are afraid for our parent if they don't eat so we do everything to get them to eat."




When our parents lose control of their body, they lose their dignity, and as "their child," this is also hard on us. We grieve a little every day. She reveals that when there is no hope of improvement, many of the services are no longer paid for.





The resource chapter is invaluable. My favorite line was: We don't always need to be nice with health care workers and sometimes need to be assertive to make sure our parents received maximum care.





Armchair Interviews says: She advocated for her mother to her dying breath, a task not many of us are willing to take on. Her insights are invaluable and we'd recommend anyone contemplating such a loving gesture read this and other books – so you know!

Life After Life

It seems that my life is continuing to heal from the grief of losing Mom. It takes time to heal and I wonder how she would have dealt with it if the roles were reversed.


Mother always dealt well with adversity. She had a strength of spirit that I really admire. The ability to continue when life seems to be in nothing but a downward spiral is an amazing trait for a person to have.


It took me a long time to recover from not having a schedule that required me to care for my mother. I am just now starting to redevelop some sort of discipline so that I accomplish more and more everyday.


I am pleased that my book Life with Mother has now been published. I am thrilled that I was able to carry through mother's desires and complete this. I hope that she is the angel watching over this project to plant little ideas in people's minds to have them find the book and find the help that they need.


I am again overwhelmed with Life. But this time it is the challenge of learning to market my book and having enough energy and discipline to achieve this goal. I am lucky for the people who come along to help me make this a reality.

If you would like a copy of Life with Mother for you or to give to a friend who is dealing with loss please go to http://lifewithmother.com